How to Make the Bible Say Whatever You Want: A Practical Guide

Tired of the Bible challenging your deeply held beliefs? Frustrated when scripture seems to contradict your political views? Good news! With these simple techniques, you can make the Bible affirm absolutely anything you already believe. No seminary degree required!

Step 1: Master the Context Toggle

This is your most powerful tool. Context is like a light switch—you flip it on when convenient, off when it's not.

When to turn context ON: Passages about caring for the poor, welcoming immigrants, or redistributing wealth? Obviously products of their time! "That was ancient Israel, not modern America. We need to understand the historical context!" Jesus said it's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter heaven? Well, there was probably a gate in Jerusalem called the "Eye of the Needle," so this doesn't really count. Context!

When to turn context OFF: But those same-sex relations passages in Leviticus and Romans? Timeless. Universal. No context needed. Sure, scholars might point out that these texts are addressing pederasty, temple prostitution, or exploitative relationships with massive power differentials—not modern committed partnerships between equals. But why complicate things? Just pretend homosexuality as we understand it today was clearly what they meant, even though that conceptually didn't exist yet.

Step 2: The Government Authority Shuffle

This one's simple: Your relationship with governmental authority depends entirely on which party is in power.

Republicans in charge? Romans 13 is your jam. "Let every person be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except from God." Government is God's instrument of justice! Obey! Submit! Pay your taxes without complaint!

Democrats in charge? Suddenly we're the Hebrew midwives defying Pharaoh. We're Daniel in the lion's den. We must resist tyranny! The Bible is full of examples of godly people standing against corrupt governments. We might need to stockpile weapons and talk about revolution, actually.

The key is never acknowledging you've completely reversed your position.

Step 3: Choose Your Jesus Carefully

The Jesus who gets killed for his enemies? Not really our example. That's more of a theological point about atonement, not a practical guide for daily living.

The Jesus in Revelation who returns as a conquering warrior? The God of the Old Testament who commands Israel to wipe out entire cities? NOW we're talking. This is clearly permission for Christians to own arsenals, "stand our ground," and generally treat violence as a reasonable first resort. If God did it, we can too!

Step 4: The Hate List Method

This technique is foolproof:

First, make a list of people who make you uncomfortable—perhaps people who don't look like you, worship like you, love like you, or vote like you.

Next, find a Bible verse that seems to condemn them. There's probably something in Leviticus or one of Paul's letters that can work if you squint hard enough.

Finally, declare that God hates these people just as much as you do! It's not bigotry when God agrees with you.

Step 5: Kingdom Timing Is Everything

Some commands are for "the future kingdom," others are for right now. How do you tell the difference? Easy!

Future kingdom (not yet applicable): Love your enemies. Turn the other cheek. Forgive seventy times seven. Be generous. Care for the poor and marginalized. Welcome the stranger. These are beautiful ideals for when Jesus returns and sets up his perfect kingdom.

Right now (immediately applicable): Vengeance is mine, says the Lord. An eye for an eye. Don't cast pearls before swine. These apply TODAY. God wants you to stand up for yourself, protect what's yours, and make sure people get what they deserve.

Step 6: The Personal Comfort Test

Here's a simple diagnostic: If obeying a biblical command would make you personally uncomfortable or cost you something, it's probably not God's will for you right now. Maybe that's for more mature Christians. Maybe it's cultural. Maybe you're misunderstanding it.

But if obeying what you think is a biblical command would make OTHER people uncomfortable—especially people you already disagree with—that's definitely God's will. In fact, you should probably force them to comply. Love means speaking hard truths, even if they don't want to hear them. Especially if they don't want to hear them.

Step 7: The Building Fund Exception

Remember: God doesn't dwell in temples made by human hands (Acts 17:24). But WE do need temples made by human hands, so please give generously to the building fund. The fact that Jesus never asked for money for buildings and actually predicted the temple's destruction is... not relevant here. We need a $15 million worship center with a coffee bar. It's what Jesus would want.

Step 8: Literalism for Thee, Not for Me

Be extremely literal about passages that support your position. "The Bible clearly says..." is your catchphrase.

Be extremely interpretive about passages that contradict your position. "Well, if you understand the Greek..." or "The genre of this text..." are useful here.

Never, under any circumstances, acknowledge that you're doing this.

Step 9: The Prophetic Voice Filter

When you speak about politics, you're offering a prophetic voice that speaks truth to power.

When people who disagree with you speak about politics from a biblical perspective, they're compromising the gospel and being divisive.

Your political engagement is faithfulness. Theirs is distraction from the "real" mission of the church.

Step 10: Ignore the Parts About You

Here's the most important rule: The Bible is a sword to wield against others, not a mirror to examine yourself.

Verses about greed, pride, hypocrisy, judgmentalism, self-righteousness, or religious people who use God to maintain power while oppressing others? Those are about the Pharisees. Or liberals. Or someone else. Never you.

Congratulations! You're now equipped to make the Bible endorse your politics, justify your prejudices, and confirm that God agrees with everything you already believed. It's almost like you created God in your own image.