Preached · May 8, 2016
Where We Are in the Series
Well, my name is Anthony Parrott, and like I mentioned, we are in the middle of a series called God's Design for Sexuality. Over the past five weeks, we spent three of those weeks discussing what the Bible says about homosexuality, we spent a week talking about Genesis 1 and 2 and God's design for male and female, and last week Steve filled us in on God's design for marriage. This week, we get God's design for singleness and celibacy.
Next week is week seven, the final week of our series. I really want to encourage you to come back for that week. We're going to be wrapping up everything, tying up some loose ends. We're going to talk about masturbation and pornography, and like I said, I get all the fun sermons. So I really hope you make it back next week to hear the capstone of what we've been talking about.
The Cringiest Things Said to Single People
But today, we're talking about singleness. And I wanted to start us out with some of the cringiest things—you know what I mean by cringiest, those things that make you cringe—that have been said to single people. So I gathered a group of single people together on Facebook, and I asked them: what are the cringiest things anybody's ever said to you about your singleness?
In no particular order, here we go. Number one: "In college, you should have majored in flirting." Thank you.
"Maybe if you lost weight, dot, dot, dot." Here's the rule of thumb about when to comment on someone's weight: never, ever. Never, ever, ever, ever. Okay? We good on that one? Okay. Next.
"You are just too smart. That scares men or women." You guys like my image choice? I was pretty proud of that one. "You are too smart."
This one's from a vegan friend of mine: "No man is going to want a woman who won't cook him meat and have a steak with him." So, vegetarians, give up now.
This one: "It must be really rough being single and not having someone to come home to and help carry your burdens." I know they weren't talking about groceries, but that's the first thing that came to mind. To which, like, thanks for the pick-me-up, I guess, right?
This one's a story. A friend of mine—an older woman goes up to him after a church service and says, "Excuse me, are you married?" And he says, "No, I'm not married, and I'm totally content with that." So he knows where this is going, right? "I'm not married, and I'm totally okay with that." But the older woman goes on anyway. She says, "Well, I have this single granddaughter who has hair just like yours." And my friend, he's got the big white man fro—it's just big, puffy, curly hair. So this woman brings it up: "Got hair just like yours, and you would just make such a great couple"—because that's the one qualification for great couples. And she says, "Since she's your age, too—she's 18." So my friend says, "Oh, I'm sorry," thinking this would be an easy end to the conversation. "I'm actually 27. I'm a little bit out of her age range." To which she says, "Oh, that doesn't matter." And my friend is a youth pastor, and he's thinking to himself, it's usually frowned upon for youth pastors to date their students, but she doesn't think it matters.
And then the last one—this one is just the cringiest to me. A friend of mine was in a small group, and they tell her, "We're going to do a Bible study on marriage stuff, and we know you're in our small group and stuff, but you're not married"—so they kicked her out. Ouch. Ouch.
Two Questions
So I want to answer two questions today. Question number one: I'm single and in the church—am I a mutant monster from Mars? And number two: I'm married—how do I treat these mutant monsters from Mars?
"I'm Single and in the Church—Am I a Mutant Monster?"
Because, number one: I'm single and in the church. Am I this mutant monster? If you're single, this is how it can feel sometimes, right? The church can seem pretty unwelcoming, or just unthoughtful, toward single folks. And I'm talking about single folks of any variety—either you've never been married, you're widowed, or you're divorced. And if there's any other alternative in there, you're separated, all of that. Single people in the church. And the church can seem unwelcoming or unthoughtful.
We have a Family Christian bookstore. Christian radio assures us that their music is safe for the whole family and those little ears in the back. So if you don't have kids, or if you're single, you're thinking, "Well, is this good for my ears? I don't like this music." Or it can be the default to invite couples or families to events or small groups, and all too often that single person gets left out.
And if you turn to your Old Testament, you mostly see example after example after example of all these married folks running around doing great things for God. I mean, Saul, David, Solomon—not only had a wife, they had dozens of them and a harem of concubines. And the single person is like, "I can't even get a date on Friday night."
The mother of our religion, Judaism, looks way down on singleness. The New Encyclopedia of Judaism says marriage is a commandment in Jewish tradition and celibacy is deplored. And other religions can often speak in the same way. The Quran says the practice of celibacy exceeds the law of God—it goes beyond. The Mormon articles of faith say marriage is necessary to achieve exaltation in the highest heaven. And if you're a single person in the church, you can think to yourself, "Yeah, that sounds about right."
There can be this attitude that married people are on some spiritual level that single people will just never hit, never reach. And that can be difficult. If you've been to a Christian wedding, you've heard that line that the marriage union uniquely reflects the mystery of Christ's union with the church. So I guess that just leaves single people to wait around and die, or hope for the rapture or something.
I had one friend put it like this. He said, "I'd say my biggest struggle is lack of inclusion. It's difficult to watch married couples get together and do fun things, to see them post pictures of fun things they did on Facebook and wonder why I didn't get invited to things like that. On the other hand, it's awkward to be single in a group full of married couples."
Another friend said, "There's a lot of pressure in society to find your identity in a relationship. It's reflected in the church community as well. It may not be as pronounced or blatant as society can be, but that underlying sense of judgment can still be there. If people could realize that we are still trying to find our way, find ourselves, and be a support—instead of wondering why we don't have a significant other, or if there's something wrong with us because of a lack of a significant other—that would really help."
What Does the Bible Say?
So what does the Bible say about this question? I think in order to really get at that, it's important to answer this question: Who was the greatest, wisest, most fully human person to have ever lived? Come on, Sunday school class. Jesus, right? Jesus was the greatest, wisest, most fully human person to have ever lived. And was Jesus married? No.
And so automatically we may have to rethink any assumptions we may have had that single people of any sort are somehow deficient, or less than human, or not fully reflecting the divine image or divine intention for humanity.
Now, let me be clear. There are plenty of single folks of all kinds who are not married and yet want to be, and they wish that they were not single. What I'm not going to be arguing for today is that all single people should just give up trying. What I am saying is that your singleness is not a deficiency. It does not make you a mutant in the church, and it does not entitle married people to look down on you, or for you to feel as if you are somehow less than a full Christian for being single.
Listen to the words of Jesus. This is Jesus in Matthew 19. He says:
Some people do not marry, of course. Some people are eunuchs.
And "eunuch"—Jesus is using this word as a kind of euphemism. They have given up their rights, or they don't have the rights of reproductivity.
Some people are eunuchs because they are born that way. Others have been made eunuchs by humans, and others have renounced marriage for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. And anyone who can embrace that call should do so.
There are a couple of interesting things to notice about this passage. Number one: singleness is a valid way to exist in God's kingdom, in the church. Unlike other Jewish rabbis at the time, Jesus does not condemn singleness. If you were a contemporary of Jesus in the first century, they would have condemned it. They would have said, "If you're not married, you are not fully living up to God's will for your life." And Jesus says, "No, no, no, no, no. There are those who are not married for the sake of the kingdom. And if anyone can accept that call, they should do it. It's a good thing. It's worthwhile."
The second interesting thing to notice is that Jesus says anyone who is capable of embracing singleness ought to do so. This is unprecedented in Jewish thought. Singleness used to be thought of as an affront against Genesis 1 and 2 and God's intentions for humans. Jesus says, "No, singleness may in fact be God's preferred way of you living in God's kingdom."
The apostle Paul picks up on this in 1 Corinthians 7. Paul writes:
I wish all of you were single as I am. To the unmarried and to the widows, I say: it's good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. Are you not engaged? Don't look for a spouse. If you do marry, you haven't sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this. So then, he who marries does right, but he who does not marry does better.
And you gotta love Paul, right? Like, if you get married, it's not a sin, I guess. It's fine. And he's honest about it. He says, "I want to spare you the trouble of married life." And if any married person in this room is honest, you will say there can be trouble in this married life. Paul goes on in 1 Corinthians 7 and talks about the weight, the burden, of married life. And that weight and burden is a good thing. You ought to have weight and burden if you're married. You are meant to care for another person in a large, big, life-encompassing way. But Paul says, look, if you don't get married, you don't have to do that. You can dedicate your life to the kingdom. If you're married, that's not sin. But he thinks that staying unmarried is quite possibly the better path.
And this makes sense considering Jesus' words in Matthew 22. Jesus says:
At the resurrection, people will neither marry nor be given in marriage. They will be, in this way, like the angels in heaven.
In other words, according to Jesus, marriage is temporary. It's a symbol of the union of Christ and his church, but it's only a symbol. It points toward the better thing—the truer, more real thing—of actual unity between humanity and the divine. And therefore, when we experience the kingdom of God in its fullest, at its most manifest, when we experience true union with God and therefore true union with each other, there's going to be no more need for marriage. It just won't be necessary anymore.
And so this is what we can say about single folks in the church: you reflect to us the very character of Christ. You are not less human. You are not deficient. You are not a mutant. You remind us of the very way that our Savior and Lord lived. And you are living representatives of the inbreaking of God's kingdom—that is, the world as God intends it to be. Your singleness reminds us of what God's kingdom in its fullest is going to look like.
To you, and perhaps to the misinformed married person, your singleness is an anomaly. It makes you a misfit, a mutant, somehow not fitting in. But in reality, you are showing us what it's like to be Jesus and to live more fully in the divine presence.
Now, does any of that make singleness easier? Does it make your divorce somehow more joyous, or the death of your spouse something to sing about, or your search for a partner less lonely and less filled with heartache? Of course not. But that's not my point. My point is that heartache is heartbreaking. The death of a spouse, the ending of a marriage, is indeed tragic. But the state that all those things leave you in—that is, your singleness—that is not the thing worth mourning. That is not the heartbreaking thing.
So, I'm single and in the church. Am I a mutant monster from Mars? No, of course not. You remind us of the life of Jesus, and you are pulling us that much closer to God's kingdom.
"I'm Married—How Do I Treat These Mutant Monsters?"
Now, for the rest of y'all: I'm married. How do I treat these mutant monsters from Mars? First of all, stop calling them that. That would be a big first step.
Now, church, listen. The majority of adults in America are single—unmarried, divorced, or widowed. And yet the majority of people in the church are married. Now, what that doesn't tell me is that the church is a great dating site. It tells me that there's something about the culture of our churches where single people just don't feel comfortable or welcome. And we are failing at our call to minister and love and create spaces of welcoming to all kinds of people. It's time to admit this, to say that we are wrong, and then figure out how to do a better job.
Basically, what it comes down to is that we need to create communities where all single people know that they are welcomed, respected, and supported. As Paul said, the higher, the better calling is that of the single person. Therefore, that means that we include them in what we do, in our dinners and in our parties. We look to them for their wisdom, their advice, their opinions on matters of faith and living. We don't treat single people as a last resort. We treat them as the more respected person.
That means we get better at friendship and community. I think part of the reason single people struggle to believe that God could ever call somebody to celibacy or singleness is that we don't do a great job of creating church communities that could actually foster a healthy lifestyle like that and sustain it in a healthy way. We struggle to believe that God could call someone to singleness and celibacy because, well, if it were us, we think it would be miserable. And we have to ask ourselves: why do we think it would be miserable?
Let's be honest. When folks get married, a lot of them get really bad at sustaining friendships, even with other married people. And when kids enter the picture, well, all hope is lost. I think we probably have memories of that. If we weren't the first in our friend group to get married, and other people were, you might remember that sense of loss—"well, they're married now; I guess there goes game night or poker night or whatever." And it just gets harder and harder.
And yes, while of course our marriages and our children are crucial, necessary relationships that we need to nurture and tend to, I will tell you that one of the best, most predictably successful ways to do that is by cultivating your relationships with those in the church, including single folks.
Your Primary Family Is Your Church Family
You want to talk about family values? Listen to a family man, Jesus of Nazareth. Someone tells Jesus in Matthew 12:
Your mother and your brothers are standing outside, and they're waiting to speak to you.
And Jesus replied to this person, "Who is my mother? Who are my brothers?" And pointing to his disciples, Jesus says:
Here are my mother and my brothers. For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother.
And to me, what Jesus is saying is that your primary family is your church family. You are defined first and foremost by your adoption by God into the family of God. Therefore, if you want your marriage to be healthy, if you want your children to be healthy, then your relationship with the church ought to be healthy. That includes the single person, the divorced person, the widowed person, the person you don't get along with. But if we get this right, then our marriages and our parenting will be right as well.
I wrote this a few months ago, and I thought it was worth repeating. There is no more pious-sounding reason to not volunteer at your church than "I want to focus on my kids right now." But there is not a dichotomy between loving my children well and loving my church well. Instead, the two walk hand in hand. If we have a healthy and vivacious relationship with Jesus' church, then we are putting ourselves and our children in an environment that poises us for emotional, spiritual, and intellectual health and well-being.
And if you want to see the research on that, it is staggering. If you want your children to grow up in the faith and keep that faith going, then you have—an 82 times, so what is that, 820%, 8,200%, I'm not good at percentages—82 times more likely chance of making sure that your child stays in the faith if you attend church on a regular basis.
Now, my point in all of this is to say: if we get better with adult friendships with people who are single, if we get better at sustaining communities of welcoming and grace, and not becoming so indwelt with ourselves and our marriages and our families, then we will most likely be helping ourselves by loving those outside of what we consider our nuclear family. If we do that well, everything else tends to fall together.
A Closing Challenge
So, single folks—are you a mutant monster? No, of course not. You are reminding us, you are calling us, you are showing us the way of Jesus and the inbreaking of God's kingdom here on earth as it is in heaven.
And so my encouragement to you, my call, my challenge to you, is: be honest with yourself, be real with yourself. The heartbreak of singleness, divorce, widowhood, the dating scene—it's difficult, it's hard, and I'm not telling you that you should pretend otherwise. But what I am challenging you to do is to see your singleness as a gift, as a calling, as a way for God to use you to show his Son's character in the world.
Married folks, my challenge to you is to perhaps look at your life, look at your schedule, look at your past month and your future month, look at your upcoming week and the week before, and ask yourself honestly: did I spend time, invest in, cultivate friendships with anyone outside of my own family? And did any of that include folks who maybe don't have a family to call their own right now? If we do that well, then, one, we are respecting, honoring, showing deference to single folks who are showing us the way of Jesus. And, number two, we are strengthening our own marriages and our own families, because we are being faithful to what God has asked us to do.
